Category: Parents Zone

Don’t Let Children Become the “Third Party” in a Marriage

Parents Zone

Written by: Aunty Anne Parents Station

When a man and a woman meet, get to know each other, and fall in love, they then get married and start their own family. Husband and wife promise to love and respect each other regardless of the circumstances, and their marital relationship naturally becomes the foundation of the family.

The arrival of children completes the family structure, but also makes the situation more complex: from the original couple relationship, it evolves into parent-child and grandparent-grandchild relationships. When facing the well-being of the children, everyone has their own opinions and positions, and blending them is not an easy task.

If we think carefully, we will understand that although husband and wife are the same two people, the two roles have different needs and considerations. The addition of a young child makes the couple cautiously take on the parental identity, which is laborious but also filled with sweetness. Infants are fragile and dependent, so parents naturally focus all their attention on protecting and caring for the child, inevitably neglecting the needs of their partner and even themselves, which is understandable.

However, the all-encompassing protective net that parents cast during the infant and toddler stage does not recede as the child grows up, allowing the child to forge their own path in life. Modern families idolise the children and let them dominate the family’s operations, overshadowing the spousal relationship. Spouses can no longer get the understanding and gratitude they expect from each other, and the relationship gradually fades or drifts apart. In this ironic situation, the “third party” that harms the marital relationship is the couple’s own child.

Worse still, a harmonious family relationship is the most important element for a child’s healthy, happy, and positive growth. Facing the discord between parents, children are often dragged into this vortex, trying to balance the relationship and shouldering emotions that do not belong to them. Children do not know how to handle and release these worries, and their emotions and behaviours will develop problems, but parents can only ask the children to focus on their studies, thinking this is the children’s responsibility. Children, however, worry all day long that the family is falling apart, so what’s the use of studying! This is a vivid portrayal of the modern family issue.

“Parents should be closer to each other than to the children,” to implement the original intention of building the family through mutual understanding and love. Remember that children are only temporary guests in the family, and one day they will leave the nest to establish their own homes. In the end, the husband and wife will only have each other left, so cherishing the partner and not forgetting the original intention are the keys to weathering the ups and downs and walking together until old age.

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What you need to know about e-learning

Parents Zone

Written by: Director of Program Development, Carmen Leung

After the pandemic, e-learning has become inevitable. Parents also download various tablet computer programs for their children to use, hoping that they can learn through interactive or entertaining visuals and sounds. Which animations and applications are beneficial for children’s learning? What should parents pay attention to when using multimedia to help their children learn

Using e-learning according to age

In the preschool years, as the brain regions responsible for the five senses are developing rapidly, the author does not recommend that children aged 0 to 2 frequently or excessively rely on using television or tablet computers for learning. This is because the images on television or tablet computers are flashing at an extremely high frequency, and the young child’s eyes and brain will constantly receive stimulation unconsciously. Over time, visual stimulation becomes a habit, and brain development is also affected, leading to a decrease in concentration.

Some parents say, “My child is very focused when watching TV and playing with the iPhone, but they don’t have the patience for books, so I bought a lot of educational animations for them to watch.” Have parents ever thought that if the eyes and brain are used to constant stimulation, relatively static things like books and teacher explanations will naturally become uninteresting? If you continue to let young children rely on rich visuals to learn, what will happen when they eventually need to face book-based learning in the future?

For children aged 2 and above, as their brain development is more mature, parents can allow their children aged 2 and above to use television and computers for learning, but within limits. The time should start from no more than 15 minutes per day, and can be gradually increased as the child gets older. This is because as children grow older, the high-frequency flickering of computers or televisions will have a relatively lower impact on brain development.

Recommendation to use multiple learning modes

Although screen displays have an impact on children’s concentration, the author does not believe that using television and computers for learning has no merit. Multimedia or computer programs can increase the fun and interactivity of learning, making children more interested in learning and learning faster and more. However, in addition to using highly interactive multimedia for learning, children also need to adapt to other less interactive learning modes, such as books and one-way lectures, and find the enjoyment in learning from them. Parents should provide their children with diversified learning paths, such as taking them to the library, playing educational games with them, visiting museums, walking on nature trails, or even teaching them to read English menus at restaurants, so that children can try different learning modes and methods, and find the joy of learning.

How to choose suitable multimedia electronic learning products?

– The product should preferably not have non-learning elements that children can download or open by themselves. For example, if a child is using an iPhone or iPad for learning, parents should not let the child access other apps, ensuring that the child is learning rather than playing.

– Products with segmented or sectioned learning should be used. Many parents find that when it’s time for the child to stop using electronic devices, the child may have negative emotional reactions. Therefore, the author suggests that the product should be divided into different chapters, and parents can limit the child to only view or complete one chapter at a time.

– The product should have interactive elements and require the child to respond in different ways. If a multimedia product only provides a one-way teaching mode, it is not a good product. For example, if the product only allows the child to sit and listen to information, or watch without needing to respond, we call this “one-way learning,” which should be avoided. Products that allow children to sing together, do actions together, spell words together, read aloud, and answer questions are the ones that should be chosen.

– For example, some products may allow children to respond, but each time it’s the same type of answer, such as pressing a button to respond. In this case, the child’s responses will be relatively slow, turning into a “robotic” style of learning, which can affect their future learning motivation and ability to think from multiple perspectives. Products like this should be avoided.

Time for using electronic devices

The time spent using electronic devices for learning should not be too long, and parents should also set a daily or weekly time limit for their children to use electronic devices. For example, children can only use the computer for a maximum of half an hour after completing their homework. If the half-hour is up, the child must honor the commitment and stop using the device. Parents can also work with their children to set a daily schedule, allocating time for homework, play, extracurricular activities, and using electronic devices. This helps children understand that everything needs to be planned and moderated, which not only trains their self-management skills but also effectively limits the time spent using electronic devices.

Using electronic devices as a reward

If children enjoy using electronic devices for learning (which they often do), parents can consider using device usage as a reward. For example, if the child finishes their meal in half an hour or completes their homework with quality, they can be allowed to use the electronic device for thirty minutes.

Encountering a ‘mismatched’ child is an opportunity for parents to grow

Parents Zone

Written by: Lai Shun Mei, Family Dynamics Counselor and Global Career Developer

When a child is born, people like to discuss his appearance, using his resemblance to his parents as a topic of conversation, and talk about which attractive features he has inherited from them. As he grows older and his temperament begins to show, they also like to explore whose personality he resembles.

It is generally easier to get along with someone who has a similar temperament because similar personalities and preferences make it easier to connect. If a child has a temperament similar to their parents, it seems to make parenting easier. However, it often seems like God enjoys playing jokes on us by giving us “mismatched” children: an outgoing and lively mother ends up with a quiet and introverted daughter; a hot-tempered father faces a sensitive and sentimental son; a mother who doesn’t understand fun encounters a hedonistic son.

Parents who seek help often share the common issue of having difficulty getting along with their “mismatched” child. They cannot accept the child’s nature, do not understand the child’s behavior, and do not know how to properly guide their child.

The outgoing and lively mother “complained” to me: “My daughter dawdles, is hesitant, and doesn’t dare to make friends outside.” She couldn’t understand: “What’s so difficult about brushing teeth? What’s so scary about attending English class? What’s there to be shy about when meeting other kids?” Why is her daughter nothing like her but instead resembles her indecisive, introverted, timid, and unambitious father? As she spoke, she indirectly revealed to me that her problem was not accepting her spouse and projecting her dissatisfaction with her spouse onto their daughter. Therefore, the issue was not with her daughter but with their marital relationship.

The hot-tempered father had to come for advice because his son only got along with his mother and not with him. He deeply loved his son and did not want him to grow up being overly sensitive and tearful like a girl. The older the child got, the more anxious the father became. However, under insults and strict orders, the child did not become stronger but instead became more withdrawn, clinging to his mother and refusing to leave her side. It was only after understanding the situation that it became clear that this father had grown up amidst beatings and insults. He believed his own strength came from such an upbringing, not realizing that those painful experiences had become implicit memories affecting his relationship with his son.

The mother, who claimed she did not know how to play and did not need to play, was at a loss with her son, who was solely focused on playing. She said her son was careless with his studies but persistently focused on play. How could she change her son’s attitude towards his studies? I was curious about this mother’s claim—who wouldn’t like to play? Seeking happiness is human nature, so why did she insist she did not need entertainment? It turned out that she was also playful as a child but was strictly disciplined by her mother, who did not allow her to “waste” time. Gradually, her life lacked playmates, and when she played with her mother, her mother remained serious and uncompromising, often causing her to lose and feel sad. Over time, she grew to dislike playing games. Her mother “successfully” shaped her into someone who “did not like” to play, someone who appeared strong and focused on studies but was also rigid, insecure, and lacking in joy. No wonder she did not understand how to get along with her naturally joyful son.

It turns out that God “mismatched” children for us with a purpose. He wants us to reflect on our relationships with our spouses and parents, and our own growth experiences through the frustrations of interacting with our children, thereby sorting out these relationships and resolving these emotional knots.

Parents’ lack of acceptance of their children is a reflection of their lack of acceptance of themselves. A lack of confidence in their children is a lack of confidence in themselves. By taking care of “mismatched” children, parents feel challenged and then become aware of their own pain points. With the help of a therapist, they begin a journey of self-exploration. They clarify and straighten out their family relationships, gaining rebirth and growth in the process. Children are born as they are, and there is no mismatch. Let us make good use of this opportunity for growth!

Learning with movement and immobility

Parents Zone

Registered Educational Psychologist, Pang Chi Wah

In situations where social resources are scarce, children have little that is fun or interesting to engage with; however, when the objects in front of them show no minor changes and there are no detailed verbal or written instructions, children can still observe the differences and similarities between what they see now and what they have seen before, or make associations with other things they have encountered. They even try to describe their observations in their own words. This is active learning, which not only educates the mind but also unconsciously enhances psychological qualities.

With the continuous advancement of modern technology, everyone can travel the world instantly from the comfort of their homes through television or smartphones. But does watching TV or online information require concentration? It turns out that being able to watch video messages does not necessarily mean that children are attentively learning, as this falls under the category of passive learning. It requires colorful messages and continuous verbal narration, and lacking any of these elements might lead to a lack of focus.

Even though students still need to learn in classrooms today, with the help of information technology, it seems possible for them to see distant scenarios without boundaries. Unfortunately, there are still shortcomings; they need to experience these settings firsthand to gain a more comprehensive understanding and learning experience. Modern learning requires the involvement of more sensory channels to stimulate students’ motivation to learn. Are there other options available?

Human desires are endless, but resources are finite. Is it possible to endlessly stimulate learning through multiple senses? Should we pause and consider why more and more people are proposing vegetarianism, or having a meat-free day on Mondays? Some suggest returning to a simpler, more primitive way of life. Learning activities and arrangements might need similar actions to help children grasp the essence of learning and experience the authenticity of the learning process.

To achieve this reversal, guidance from parents and teachers is needed to change the trends and habits of this era; there are now some suggested activities for parents and teachers to consider, such as: trying to turn off the volume of the television, letting them experience what it is like to be deaf, only able to see and not hear to absorb information; they can also cover the television screen with cloth, making them feel like they are listening to a radio, only able to imagine the scene from other people’s speech, still able to grasp the plot without visual aid, and for example, placing some food in one of three cups, asking them to smell which cup contains the food, which is a lot of kinesthetic learning.

Parents and teachers make some small actions in teaching, which may produce some unclear factors that make them hesitate, but at the same time, it also generates more curiosity, and under guidance, they can have greater motivation to learn, starting from being moved emotionally and intellectually, then leading them to pursue what they want to hear and see, becoming active and enthusiastic learners!

Hot-tempered parents

Parents Zone

Registered Educational Psychologist, Pang Chi Wah

In situations where social resources are scarce, children have little that is fun or interesting to engage with; however, when the objects in front of them show no minor changes and there are no detailed verbal or written instructions, children can still observe the differences and similarities between what they see now and what they have seen before, or make associations with other things they have encountered. They even try to describe their observations in their own words. This is active learning, which not only educates the mind but also unconsciously enhances psychological qualities.

With the continuous advancement of modern technology, everyone can travel the world instantly from the comfort of their homes through television or smartphones. But does watching TV or online information require concentration? It turns out that being able to watch video messages does not necessarily mean that children are attentively learning, as this falls under the category of passive learning. It requires colorful messages and continuous verbal narration, and lacking any of these elements might lead to a lack of focus.

Even though students still need to learn in classrooms today, with the help of information technology, it seems possible for them to see distant scenarios without boundaries. Unfortunately, there are still shortcomings; they need to experience these settings firsthand to gain a more comprehensive understanding and learning experience. Modern learning requires the involvement of more sensory channels to stimulate students’ motivation to learn. Are there other options available?

Human desires are endless, but resources are finite. Is it possible to endlessly stimulate learning through multiple senses? Should we pause and consider why more and more people are proposing vegetarianism, or having a meat-free day on Mondays? Some suggest returning to a simpler, more primitive way of life. Learning activities and arrangements might need similar actions to help children grasp the essence of learning and experience the authenticity of the learning process.

To achieve this reversal, guidance from parents and teachers is needed to change the trends and habits of this era; there are now some suggested activities for parents and teachers to consider, such as: trying to turn off the volume of the television, letting them experience what it is like to be deaf, only able to see and not hear to absorb information; they can also cover the television screen with cloth, making them feel like they are listening to a radio, only able to imagine the scene from other people’s speech, still able to grasp the plot without visual aid, and for example, placing some food in one of three cups, asking them to smell which cup contains the food, which is a lot of kinesthetic learning.

Parents and teachers make some small actions in teaching, which may produce some unclear factors that make them hesitate, but at the same time, it also generates more curiosity, and under guidance, they can have greater motivation to learn, starting from being moved emotionally and intellectually, then leading them to pursue what they want to hear and see, becoming active and enthusiastic learners!

A story that enlightens ‘monster parents’ in 5 minutes’

Parents Zone

Written by: Mr. Chiu Wing Tak, a senior education expert and honorary advisor to the Association of Careers Masters and Guidance Masters

If you ask me, in the decades of teaching experience, what are the most unforgettable moments, I would unhesitatingly answer the stories that enlighten people. Why am I so attracted to enlightening moments? Because enlightenment is a form of “higher-level education,” and as someone who deeply loves education, these moments are particularly memorable.

Below is a story of how I enlightened a “monster parent.” Why did this parent become a monster? Because he “pulled out all the stops” to make his son win awards! And I “woke him up” in just 5 minutes!

The “monster parent” was a professional who had very high expectations for his son, demanding that his son win the Best All-Round Student award at school every year. His son had been attending the school where I taught and had already won the all-round award for his grade level for two consecutive years. In the third year, he and his son continued to work hard, hoping to achieve a “hat trick” by winning for three consecutive years!

The student and his father were well aware of the areas the school emphasized, so they focused all their efforts on those key areas. However, that year, an unexpected change occurred when the school increased the weighting of certain subjects’ scores. As a result of this change, the student ended up in second place. Upon learning that he would not be first, both the student and his father were furious. The father did not hesitate to call and vehemently protest to the Brother Principal. The kind-hearted Brother Principal was bothered by the parent for two days straight, and finally passed the matter to me, saying, “Peter, this parent has been talking to me on the phone for half an hour every day, insisting that I promote his son to first place, which has completely prevented me from dealing with other school matters. Please help me out; I’ll give you the parent’s phone number.”

Tactfully persuade to understand the need to face failure early

After understanding the ins and outs of the matter, I immediately called the parent. I understand that this parent loves his son very much, so he started by saying, “Mr. T, I know you love your son dearly, and your son is also doing very well in academics and extracurricular activities.”

The parent responded, “Exactly!”

“Your son has already won the all-around award in both the first and second years of middle school, so it’s only natural that you would want him to win it again in his third year. But…” I paused here. “A person cannot always succeed without failing. Since failure is inevitable sooner or later, Mr. T, would you prefer your son to face failure sooner rather than later?”

The parent, being a person who “gets to the point,” immediately said, “Are you suggesting I should stop pursuing this matter?”

“Not at all, I just want you to consider what’s best for your son, to let him experience minor failures early on. This way, when he faces major failures in the future, he will naturally know how to handle them!”

After some thought, the parent replied, “I understand Mr. Zhao’s point. I won’t pursue it further, thank you for your explanation!”

How did I make the parent see the reason? The answer is: I helped him break free from his fixation. What was his fixation? He was fixated on an unbreakable belief – that a good parent must do everything within their power to ensure their child’s success. From his perspective, I appreciated his efforts, but also gently told him that helping his son accept failure early could also be the mark of a good parent. Being a wise person, he understood the implied message that not allowing his son to face setbacks early could lead to worse pain later. Thus, he suddenly saw the light and accepted my advice.

Can children be naughty？

Parents Zone

“Naughty”: A Multi-faceted View

Describing Ji Fung as “naughty” is perhaps the most fitting, and this trait is quite common among children, albeit to varying degrees. What is “naughtiness”? We often associate it with words like “mischievous” or “playful,” which mostly carry a negative connotation. However, from a positive perspective, naughtiness can have many benefits. First, it’s not hard to see that naughty children love to play; they are motivated to play at all times, and these motivations often stem from their curiosity. They satisfy their curious thoughts through different methods, sometimes disregarding consequences and limitations to personally try and explore solutions to puzzles. Secondly, most “naughty” children are somewhat clever and know how to play better than others, so they use various ways to express their creativity, coming up with ingenious methods to play. In summary, “naughtiness” can be seen as a mix of curiosity and creativity, only becoming problematic when it is not properly controlled and leads to trouble.

What can you do if you have a “naughty” child around?

1.Relax

Naughty children can easily make their caregivers nervous because they often do unexpected things, sometimes even causing embarrassment. We need to understand that naughtiness is one of the children’s natural traits, and they are in the process of learning. We need to patiently keep pace with their growth, avoiding suppressing their development for the sake of our own pride.

2.Set Boundaries

Naughty children often cross boundaries due to a lack of understanding of them. We can set rules with them and implement them effectively. This not only ensures the children’s safety but also establishes their understanding of limits.

3.Satisfy Curiosity

To address the issue at its root, we need to satisfy their curiosity. The method is to teach them how to think and find answers. For example, parents can teach them to find answers through reading or take them to nature to train their observational skills, which can help them face future challenges.

Why are children self-centered?

Parents Zone

Written by: Pang Chi Wah, Registered Educational Psychologist, New Horizons Development Center

Nowadays, many couples choose not to have children after marriage or opt to raise only one child. They feel that the task of parenting is extremely challenging. The personalities of modern children tend to be more self-centered. Is this due to issues with the parents’ innate genetic factors, or are there problems in the parents’ postnatal upbringing?

Psychologist Alfred Adler once pointed out how birth order influences a person’s psychological traits. He mentioned that only children, due to the lack of competition among siblings, tend to develop a self-centered personality, making it difficult for them to interact with peers in the future.

From birth, only children become the center of the family. Their loved ones take care of them meticulously, revolving everything around them. Growing up in an environment filled with love, they rarely experience sharing or conflicts with others. Over time, the self-centered behavior of children may develop due to being excessively indulged, making it challenging for them to get along with others.

If families of this kind invest all their resources in their only child, treating them as a precious gem and complying with their every command, these children may never experience “loss or rejection” from an early age. They may believe that everything should come easily, intensifying their self-centered behavior.

On the other hand, to meet the educational needs of today’s students and some parental demands, schools have abandoned the teacher-centered approach in favor of Western advanced educational philosophies. They often advocate slogans centered around students. Teachers need to prioritize students’ interests and needs, designing curricula around them. If educators fail to strike a balance, the school environment may also contribute to the development of children’s self-centeredness.

In the past, schools used societal standards as the center of instruction, hoping students would graduate to conform to cultural norms. In contrast, today’s education, focusing on students, both at home and in school, has accustomed children to living in a happy environment. They may not necessarily learn to look ahead to the future but rather prefer living in their world.

Furthermore, the continuous advancement of technology is believed to be another factor making children more self-centered. In the past, whether at school or in extracurricular activities, children would engage in group games with peers. Now, in their leisure time, due to a lack of playmates and the prevalence of commercial electronic toys, children conveniently satisfy their psychological needs through these devices without the need for peer interaction.

As they reach adulthood, they are more inclined to pass their time with online games. These impersonal forms of entertainment prioritize individual satisfaction over interpersonal communication. Children growing up without proper emotional education find it easy to imagine that this long-established habit makes them unwilling to step out of their worlds, making it difficult to establish relationships with others.

Faced with this situation, educators and parents need to address it from various perspectives. For example: parenting methods should be coordinated, schools and parents should collaborate on discipline, and society as a whole should reflect on the values of cultural education. Only through these efforts can we effectively reduce the growing self-centeredness in children.

Enhancing Resistance through Lifestyle Habits

Parents Zone

Written by: Registered Public Health Nutritionist (UK) and Nutritionist, Ng Pui Yu

In my online community, parents often ask, “What should children with sensitive airways/frequent colds eat to strengthen their immunity?”

When children are sick, it’s not only hard for them but also for parents who care for them day and night. There are many viruses that can cause colds, and since young children haven’t been exposed to them before, they haven’t developed the necessary antibodies, making them more susceptible to illness. It’s normal for young children to have 6 to 8 or even more colds in a year. Additionally, immune health is related to conditions like nasal sensitivity, airway sensitivity, and eczema.

Of course, if lifestyle habits can be improved to enhance immunity, recovery from illness can be faster.

Daily Exercise for a Strong Physique 

Today’s children lead busy lives, attending school, extracurricular activities, and tutoring classes daily. Moreover, most parents work full-time, limiting the opportunities for their children to engage in physical activity. Besides paying attention to a child’s diet, it is crucial for parents to schedule 30 to 60 minutes of exercise for their children each day. Even activities like running, climbing, playing on slides, and swinging in the park are sufficient. Developing a habit of regular exercise should start from a young age. The author’s child, during the school years, has already begun the practice of going to the park 1 to 2 times a day, adapting to indoor playrooms on extremely hot or rainy days.

Early to Bed, Early to Rise for Good Health

According to a study by the Chinese University of Hong Kong, many children face the issue of insufficient sleep. They may be reluctant to go to bed due to busy homework schedules, waiting for parents to return home from work, and various other reasons. Some children may stay awake until 11 pm or even later. If this is the case, it becomes more likely for them to fall ill, experience poor concentration, and exhibit inadequate emotional control. Therefore, the author’s child typically goes to bed around 9:30 pm. If possible, an even earlier bedtime is recommended!

Besides having fun, what else is there to travel for

Parents Zone

The new school year has begun, and children can happily return to school. I wonder how everyone spent their recent summer vacation? Some parents choose to take a long holiday with their children, both for quality family time and to relax and unwind. Do you have any other reasons?

Some may say that traveling can broaden a child’s horizons. Indeed, ‘traveling ten thousand miles is better than reading ten thousand books.’ If children have firsthand experiences, it’s believed that they can have a deeper understanding of the knowledge they acquire. For example, when children learn about the ‘Great Wall of China,’ visiting the site can make them truly appreciate the greatness of this architectural wonder in human civilization. When I choose travel destinations, I also consider whether they align with my daughter’s learning materials. For instance, when she’s studying different types of animals, I incorporate visits to zoos during our travels, allowing her to interact with various animals, which is far better than just learning from books or TV.

I value the few days spent traveling because it provides an extended period of quality time for my daughter and me. By observing carefully, you can gain a deeper understanding of your child. When my daughter was younger, I paid special attention to the following aspects during our travels:

(1) How she interacts with strangers:

During our travels, my child encounters different unfamiliar people. How does she behave? Does she proactively greet elders? Can she respond politely and appropriately to their questions? Does she initiate play with children her age? How does she handle potential disputes? I like to observe from the sidelines, and in the evenings, I share and praise her for her good behavior that day, encouraging her to do even better the next day.

(2) Her self-reliance:

Since there is more leisure time during travel, and there’s no rush against the clock, it’s an opportunity to foster a child’s self-reliance. For instance, I have my daughter carry her own little travel suitcase with her personal belongings. I observe whether she can handle her personal items properly and whether she can pack her belongings neatly when leaving a hotel or heading to another attraction. When needed, I offer guidance or assistance as appropriate.

In fact, cultivating children’s character and self-reliance doesn’t necessarily require taking a plane to travel abroad. What I want to emphasize is that character development shouldn’t be confined to a theoretical level, and simply lecturing can have counterproductive effects. Therefore, character development should be practiced in everyday life. In reality, as long as there is ample quality time spent with children, more companionship, and careful observation of their daily behavior, offering guidance or assistance when needed, even just going for a walk in the countryside can achieve the same objectives without much difficulty.